Gratitude

– – – – – – 

I’m writing this post because I feel like I need 
to put out into the universe, my gratitude for my health.  

– – – – – – 

– – – – – – 

I would like to believe, that by putting gratitude out to the universe, 
good things will come your way.  

So today, I am SO thankful.
And I’m saying it out loud.

– – – – – – 

– – – – – – 

As you may know from this post, in February 
I ended up with pulmonary emboli as a result of a surgery I had just had.  

– – – – – – 

And since then, for the past 6 months, I feel like I have been holding my breath (literally and figuratively) waiting for this time to pass, to heal, then to be given a clean bill of health.  

– – – – – – 

– – – – – – 

It’s not been an easy time…

1. Pulmonary emboli are scary.  Scary.
2. I felt very alone at times.
3. This has been very hard on my husband too.  I haven’t been a complete ray of sunshine.
4. I had to complete a 6 month treatment of blood thinners and I did not like being on them at all.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so thankful for them, but I didn’t like having to take them.  I had to watch everything I ate and drank (I desperately miss kale, broccoli, cabbage and ginger tea), because so many things react with this type of medication.
5. And with this medication I also had to have constant blood work done at the lab.  Sometimes 3 times a week, some times once every two weeks.  A small price to pay for my life, but it was a constant reminder of what I was healing from, and I was tired of being reminded.  Not to mention bruised inner arms just aren’t sexy.  😉
6. During my 2 day hospital treatment back in February, I had a resident spew all his medical theories out to me. Not cool.  He had no idea the seeds he planted in my mind.  This takes me to #7.
7. I suffered from some major anxiety for about 2 months.  Then 4 months of niggling anxiety, waiting to have this all be over and done with.
8. I am superstitious, and didn’t want to plan anything too far ahead because I was afraid that if I did, I was being greedy… I felt like I should wait for a clean bill of health.  I know that seems crazy, but it’s how I felt.  I think it stems from the fact that I also felt so much shame for all of this.  It’s not rational I know, but when facing dark fears, rationale sometimes just isn’t there.
9. I constantly dreaded my 6 month check up with the pulmonologist (I hate CT scans, breathing tests, blood work and waiting…).
10. Waiting is not my strong suit.  I want things resolved like yesterday.
11. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop…

– – – – – – 

– – – – – –